I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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