I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
