All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
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she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
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It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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