guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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