remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
