In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
