your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
