I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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