You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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