Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
