I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
