Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
