My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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