its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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