what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
