I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
