Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
