I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
