my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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