I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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