you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
