I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
