i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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