Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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