my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
