Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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