so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
