I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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