a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
