I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize