Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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