Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
