My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
