I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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