we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
