i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
