Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
