I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
