i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
