if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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