so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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