I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
