so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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