Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
