tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
