I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
