i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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