i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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