I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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