I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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