true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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