I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
