so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
