I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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