The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
