Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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