He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
