Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
