just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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