I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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