Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
