i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
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did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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