I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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