somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
