how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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