So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
