I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
