I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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