Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
