do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pants are for mortals
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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